Is a little space too much to ask?


Alexis Long

Mother and son sharing a loving embrace

Richard Funker, son of Monica Funker, discovered his mother following him on his date earlier this week. 

Monica was found hiding in a bush outside of a fancy steak restaurant that Richard and his wife went to that day. His wife noticed movement outside the window and became unnerved. Those involved were interviewed on their perspective of what happened: 

  • The Wife (wife)- “I knew him and his mom had a good relationship…I didn’t realize that meant his relationship with his mother was more important than the one with his wife.” 
  • Richard Funker (son and husband)- “I don’t get why she freaked out. She knows my mother comes first. I told her my vows when we got married were mostly meant for my mother.” 
  • Monica Funker (mother)- “She’s so entitled. To think she screamed at me. My baby boy shouldn’t be with some sl*t who doesn’t appreciate his family.” 
  • Franklin Hobert (homeless guy)- “Sh-she came charging out of the b-bushes next to me…I t-thought she was gonna j-j-jump me.”
  • Jessica Plath (waitress)- “I saw a dark figure in the bushes outside…I was scared it was a criminal…Turns out it was just a concerned old lady.”
  • David Funker (father)- “I’ve tried to tell Monica to leave our son alone. She doesn’t seem to listen to me anymore…”

Once the police (both straight males with “healthy” relationships with their mothers) came to the scene, they gave Monica a “slap on the wrist” and sent her on her way. After asking why they chose to let Monica get away with a warning they responded with: 

  • Officer Peterson- “I remember my own mother doing things like this. She was a real hoot! Yes, I am divorced…Why do you ask?”
  • Officer Stephens- “She was just a worried mother caring for her son. I don’t see a problem with that. Sure that’s his wife, but do you know how often wives murder their husbands?” 

After returning home that night, Richard and his wife had a serious talk. She brought up the fact that there was more “sexual tension” between him and his mother than with her. In fact she was so upset she even claimed to have put him in the “dog house”…literally. Their dog, Monica, named after his mother since it was their fur baby, was able to sleep on the bed that night due to the switching of places. 

Monica (the dog) has become a resource for Richard’s wife to let out all her frustrations. Though Monica (the dog) has gained trauma responses, at least Richard’s wife gets to feel better. Richard, however, is fine with it as long as nothing is said in front of his mother. 

Monica (the mother), though upset by the lack of grandbabies she has, was pleasantly surprised to find out that the dog was named after her…She even offered to babysit…So much so that she almost never leaves Richard’s house. 

The next day after Richard came back from the doghouse, his wife filed for divorce. His mother got her way and even threw him a “Welcome Home Party!”. She was finally able to spend more alone time with her little baby boy.