“Name Three Songs”



This piece is purely satirical, and is not intended to contain any accurate information.

You may have tried to wear a Metallica shirt only to be verbally assaulted with the words: “Oh, you’re a Metallica fan? Name three songs then.”

Why three songs though? Why not three albums, or ten or even 5 songs? Our research shows that these (and more) can be answered with one sentence. No one likes more than three Metallica songs. Go ahead, try naming three. You probably included at least one if not all three of the following songs; “Enter Sandman”, “For Whom the Bell Tolls”, and/or “Nothing Else Matters”.

We told this information to Metallica fans, and they confirmed. “Yeah,” said Aaron Smith, “Those are like the only Metallica songs I like. Why is it like that, though?” He continued to wonder.

We here at the Sad Tire believe we have the answer: Metallica sucks. Now, Now, Don’t be too angry yet. Just because Metallica as a whole doesn’t have good music doesn’t mean your favorite three songs are bad. It just means they’re not allowed to be your favorite band. That’s the rule.

“The music assaults the listener’s ears,” observed Dr. Scott, Professor of Music at Town University. “In layman’s terms, it sounds bad.” Dr. Scott continued to say “I really hate it, but I do think my favorite three would have to be ‘For Whom The Bell Tolls’, ‘Whiskey In a Bottle’, and ‘The Shortest Straw.’”

Furthermore, we talked to multiple people who claimed to be Metallica fans and who like more than three songs. However, they turned out to be listening to Blink-182 somehow. I really don’t understand how this happened to more than one person, but it did I guess.

Go listen to Metallica. If you like more than three songs, please message us right away because we would like to: 

  1. Make sure you’re not listening to Blink-182 because that somehow happened more than once
  2. Interview you because how can you possibly like more than three metallica songs?

I mean I think that’s all we can really say about this subject. Just like the amount of Metallica songs you can like, there’s not much to write about on this subject. If you like Metallica props to you. Just know the world is against you.