THIS IS NOT NEWS!

This piece is purely satirical, and is not intended to contain any accurate information.

“It was super distracting”

Early last night, during a gathering for a jazz festival downtown, journalist Aaron Goodwin drove his SUV into the auditorium, injuring five. Luckily, none were killed and no serious injuries were sustained.

When taken in by the police, he was writing an article and repeating “We need news.” 

“I was just confused,” recalled Officer Warren Trivitt, “Even in the back of the cruiser he just kept repeating that phrase over and over. It was frankly a little scary.”

Victims of the assault include John Hayes, Ben Cobbler, Gregory Anderson, Phillip Miller, and Abraham James. 

“My life flashed before my eyes,” said Anderson, “The car rolled at me at about walking pace, but it was still terrifying.”

Furthermore, the uninjured are enraged. Many complained about the jazz concert being ruined. Gary Garcia was “disgusted” by the lack of concert etiquette. Others claimed that they were “Absolutely enraged” because it was their “First post-Covid concert.”

“I was listening to my favorite band when all of a sudden, this guy just plows—Well, moreso just slowly rolls near the crowd and knocks a couple guys over,” An attendee groaned, “It was super distracting.”

Not only were the entertainees angry, but so were the entertainers. Musicians of the band “The Harry Grover Quintet” agreed that it was “Like smearing boogers on the Mona Lisa.”

Gross.

If you or someone you know has any information regarding the crime, please contact the police station at their non-emergency number.