THIS IS NOT NEWS!

This piece is purely satirical, and is not intended to contain any accurate information.

Many families have special thanksgiving traditions, whether it be going around the table and saying what you’re thankful for or eating a dinner roll in one bite. The Cory family does things a little differently, however. Each family member is assigned a role for a Thanksgiving reenactment.

“We’ve been doing it since I can remember,” Recalls John Cory “Every year we’ve drawn straws for who’s a Pilgrim and who’s a Native.” Cory continued, letting us know about the newest part of the reenactment “Ever since Covid started, we’ve started infecting blankets with the virus and giving them to the people who end up as Natives.”

Terrifyingly, the traditions become even more cruel. If one of the so-called “Native Americans” dare disobey the “Pilgrims” their hands are cut off and they are beaten into submission. On a rare occasion, they will even be lynched.

Upon being asked about the murderous tradition, Cory Cory told us “It’s all consensual. No one who doesn’t want to participate doesn’t have to. We just all love it so much!” Cory let us know of some more parts of the tradition. The pilgrims crash a car with “Mayflower” plastered all over it through the front wall of the house, then waltz in and pretend that they discovered the house. 

Furthermore, Mary Cory claims “Cory is a dirty…Liar! No one consents to this! People are dying! Please help!” Unfortunately, Mary was then caught in the crossfire of a musket when John and Cory were fighting over land. According to Elizabeth Cory, grandmother to 12 children, this is a frequent occurrence.

To be honest, I didn’t really know where to go from here, so I quietly left the house and avoided any injuries except an arrow in my left arm. Everyone has certain traditions that are near and dear to their hearts. It just so happens that some people do things a little differently. The Cory family was nothing but welcoming, and you should never judge someone solely due to their murderous tendencies.