Unlimited internet access: that’s exactly what kids want.


Aubrey Cruson

Average iPad kid

The internet is full of wonderful information and is a great learning tool for children still developing and processing the world around them. The internet would never stunt one’s growth.

One single mother, unable to pay attention to her child (for reasons unknown) uses an iPad to keep him entertained. 

The mother, Amanda, claims that the iPad does a “better job” than she ever could. 

“I just don’t have the time to teach my kid how to read and write and talk and be a part of society. It’s exhausting just having to go to work and you want me to take care of that thing. I didn’t want it in the first place.” 

The iPad in question, has unrestricted access to anything on the internet. Which means anything and everything can be watched or read by the kid, Tommy, who just turned eight. 

Tommy has claimed that he’s fine…nothing “too serious” has been watched.

“Oh, I’ve seen so many videos. It’s hard to remember all of them. Let’s see…there were ISIS beheading videos, a talking larva, a Facebook live of someone shooting themselves with a shotgun, and a couple cat videos. The cats were so cute! They were playing with this little ball of yarn…”

The cat videos are pretty popular among the younger generation. How could they not be? They’re so innocent, nothing behind their eyes…just like how Tommy used to be. 

Tommy’s 2nd grade teacher, Ms. Moller has been on the receiving end of Tommy’s home life. 

“I can’t get him off of the iPad. He’s like a cat who got their claws stuck in the couch, unless I want him screaming and scratching at me, I have to leave him there. He will learn his lesson eventually, there’s really nothing I, as a role model, can do for Tommy.” 

Even the school counselor, who also stares at a screen all day, brought up some distaste towards Tommy and his generation.

“It’s not that hard to just turn off the iPad. Kids these days, I swear they don’t know how to function. I’m so glad I grew up in a time where the only thing we had to worry about was serial killers and finding a way to get home before curfew. I had none of this ‘I have to constantly be watching a Subway Surfers video in the background’ crap.” 

Multiple highly credible doctors from highly gifted schools gave their necessary opinions on the use of internet to teach children: 

  • Dr. Whopper- “The internet gives the kids a great attention span. They’re able to stare at a screen for hours…that translates to the real world…right?”
  • Dr. Bogus- “As long as the kid isn’t kicking and screaming during their check-ups, I don’t really care.”
  • Dr. Phil- “You’re neglecting your kid; your life isn’t working. That iPad is raising that kid better than you, so you better find a new plan cause this one ain’t workin’.” 

Amanda has taken this as an opportunity to give her child away to the orphanage. Like she stated earlier she did not in fact want Tommy, the “only reasons” she had him was because of “abortion laws” and her father told her it was a “sin” if she were to have an abortion. 

Tommy, however, doesn’t seem to mind since he still gets to use his iPad.