PDA: Awkward, uncomfortable, handsy. These are the main words that come to mind when thinking about school dances. 

Prom: One of the biggest and more important school dances during your high school years. It has become a place for many high schoolers to congregate…a congregation of hormonal teens leading to many unwanted visuals before the night is over. 

Susie Johnson, a 17 year old at Jenkins High School, describes her prom experiences as “fulfilling” and “eventful”. 

“I’ve always had a great time! The loud music and fancy clothes combine to create a core memory. Having the chance to go out dress shopping and getting your nails done…I love getting pampered. I know people say it’s expensive and all that, but really it’s not about the money. However, spending more money on a dress makes it worth it! As long as it’s not your own money, of course. It would be silly for a teenager to have to spend that much money.”

When first walking into the dance, all that can be seen are the poofy dresses that could suffocate someone if they were to fall. The dark lights and the large dresses make it easier for individuals to sneak away from the eyes of the chaperones. 

Mark Dealter, a senior at Jenkins, had the whole prom experience just like in the movies.

“I would get a limo and an obnoxiously bright colored suit and sunglasses and the fancy restaurants. Some people think the sunglasses are unnecessary, but they just don’t know fashion when they see it. Maybe if they were wearing sunglasses they would be able to see the beauty of them without the sun in their face. Aside from the haters…it was the best night of my life. Everything was great…it was basically just like in the movies.”

When asking the students about how they had the money to afford all of this, the common response was “my parents” and a couple were “from work”. The “preppy” kids all seemed to use “daddy’s money” for their prom plans.

The teachers or the chaperones at the dance listed some of their thoughts:

The culinary teacher, Martha Marble, has stated to have seen couples “sucking face” and even “getting risky with their hand holding”.

“The kids like to think we can’t see them down on the dance floor, but really we see everything. Most of these kids have never heard of ‘leaving room for Jesus’. It makes me uncomfortable and I’m not even down there being forced to stand next to those students. I only chaperone still, because we don’t have enough teachers willing to give up their Saturdays to supervise horny teens.” 

The history teacher, Robert Helker, was placed into the same position as Martha. Many of the newer teachers are forced into chaperone duty as a “right of passage”. 

“We’ve tried to put the ‘arms length apart’ dancing into place, but it didn’t seem to stick for very long. By ‘very long’, I mean it lasted two seconds and as soon as we turned our backs they were back to being face to face. They’re like slugs, all slimy and stuck to each other.” 

High school dances seem to be the place to be if you can’t sneak off with a person of interest without your parents knowing. The students are able to dance the night away…as well as their parents’ trust. 

However, Susie and Mark don’t need to worry about this since both of their parents gave them full access to their credit cards.

“I didn’t technically ask for permission, but my mom wouldn’t care. She knows if she said anything I would pack my bags and go live with my father and she doesn’t want her sweet little daughter to leave her.”

Mark, having this similar ability with his parents, expresses his relationship with his parents.

“My parents are pretty chill. They have good paying jobs so they don’t really care about how much money I spend. All they care about is that I make it home once a week so they know I didn’t die. It’s kind of nice. I honestly feel bad for the people who have really strict parents; they don’t get to experience anything.”

Susie’s mother, Samatha, was hesitant to give a response to any questions concerning Susie. 

“Oh…yeah she’s such a sweet girl. As long as she’s happy then I’m happy. I would never want her to feel left out because she wasn’t able to afford things. She’s my perfect little angel. I love her so much, I could never bear to see her being upset. Her father…well he doesn’t see the world the same way I do…He’s more on the ‘have fun when you’re dead’ side of things. That’s why I would just prefer her to stay here with me.” 

Susie’s father, Brian, after hearing Samatha’s comments on Susie felt it only fair to say his peace.

“Prom is a load of bullsh–…crap. Apologies. There is really no need for ‘school dances’ if you even want to call them that. All it is, is an excuse for students to do drugs and drink alcohol and commit to several sexual acts without their parents knowing or caring, really. It’s a lame excuse for school funding. There is no need for one teenager to spend a thousand dollars just for one night. I will not be participating in it or in funding for it.” 

Susie, stepping back in, was annoyed by her father’s words.

“Ugh. This is why mom’s my favorite. Sorry I want a normal high school experience. Maybe if you removed the stick from your backside, you’d be able to feel human emotions and empathize for once. You’re just mad that no one ever wanted to go to prom with you.”

Susie proceeded to storm off into another room, leaving her father and mother speechless. After ten minutes of complete silence both parents left.

Meanwhile, the teachers were able to (i.e. – were forced to) block out their memories from prom when they faced their students that following Monday. In order to maintain healthy student-teacher relationships, all unwanted images were wiped from their brains. 

“I would really rather forget what I saw. It’s like when you realize your parents have had sex before. It forces its way into your imagination and makes you want to vomit…violently. So it’s best for all the chaperones involved to permanently erase everything they saw no more than twenty-four hours later.”

Here’s to next school year, where the cycle of underaged illegal acts will continue once again.