Another husband who loves to explain.


Aubrey Cruson

Sometimes silence is the better option.

Learning is hard, especially for women. Which is why men are here.

While talking to her husband, Jasmine found that she doesn’t know anything about anything according to her husband, John. John was able to then explain everything to Jasmine, including things that he has never experienced in the middle of them both being interviewed. 

John Walker, a 40 year old white man, is a big talker when it comes to explaining topics he assumes he knows about. As an adult man he claims he is “experienced” and “wise” due to the fact that he’s lived a couple more years than some of these “youngsters”.

“My wife just doesn’t know about the real world yet. She’s like a newborn who still is processing that she’s alive and in the world.” Jasmine, after hearing this, had to then walk in front of her husband and shush him just so she could speak.

“I know the real world. I’ve been living in it for the past 35 years. I don’t need a man telling me that the world is ‘unsafe’ and that I need to be ‘cautious’.” Jasmine, clearly frustrated by her husband’s words, wasn’t able to finish explaining her feelings before her husband stepped back in. 

“You do know it happens to men too. I feel sketched out when I go out to weird towns. It’s not only women, men get kidnapped and murdered too. I mean really do you even know what is going on in this world?” John continued his rant for the next two hours while Jasmine glared a hole into his head. Once he was finally finished Jasmine tried to get her own words in, but as soon as her mouth opened John began again.

“Since we’re on the topic of women… It’s honestly horrible that boys have to hear about menstrual cycles at such an early age. It’s disgusting having to learn that women bleed when they could stop their cycle at any time. It’s really not that complicated, it’s just an excuse women use so they can get special treatment and start skipping gym class.” John was on a roll with his explanations. At this point Jasmine’s blood was at a full boil. 

Jasmine, however,
became emotionally scarred
by her husband’s words…

“Are you this idiotic?! I mean really health classes just teach guys how to properly clean themselves and how to have safe sex and then the girls are left to their own devices to try and figure everything out. It’s not our fault that guys are too immature to handle it.” John, unfazed by her words, was staring out the window with a finger in his ear.

“You know women these days are so overly dramatic. It’s not at the fault of men that the schooling system didn’t help women succeed. School was great for me. I passed all my classes and never got in trouble. All the teachers loved me, I was basically the class clown. Picture it: American high school, 1999, the sunny sky, fresh air, and my two best buds.” The interview turned into John’s life story.

Jasmine rubbing the veins down in her forehead, tried to calmly get her husband to shut up. “No one wants to hear about your dumb life story. This interview isn’t just about you, you know? They asked for both of us, meaning they want to hear from both of us.” 

John decided to interject with his snarky commentary. “I’m sorry I’m actually contributing to the interview. What have you done for the interview? Nothing. I’ve been carrying this conversation the whole time. Women always want to say men are in the wrong when we are the ones doing everything for this world. Honestly it’s exhausting having to provide for my family. All women do is create fake scenarios to ruin men’s lives.” 

The interview had completely shifted topics at this point. What was supposed to be an interview about the heart warming relationship between a caring husband and his loving wife turned into this… An argument between the stubborn. 

John, still not fully satisfied with his input, kept babbling. “I mean seriously, men put in so much work just so women can sit at home. The least a woman could do is make dinner for us and shut up for once. All they need to do is sit and look pretty and yet they can’t even do that. All this makeup they put on and the whore outfits that have become so popular. It makes me sick.”

Jasmine, who had already left the room for a minute to calm her head, came back at the exact moment her husband finished his last two sentences. 

“And yet you still wonder why I never hang out with you. The only reason I agreed to do this interview was so I could put it on my job applications, but way to ruin that too. You still wonder why your first wife left you too. How can you be this clueless? If you sit down and do the math: your receding hairline, if you can still call it a hairline, your insufferable explanations, your lack of movement from the couch, and your lack of perspectives, all create a lousy excuse for a person.” 

John, having undiagnosed “hearing problems”, picked out a few words from Jasmine’s rant. 

“What do you mean my receding hairline?! I look just like I did in high school, I haven’t aged a day. You know back in my day, this style of hair was all the rage. All the chicks were falling for me. What can I say… I have a strong personality that women gravitate towards.”

The interview was unsuccessful in terms of what the original plan was, but will be able to be put to use in the entertainment department.  

John was able to go home unharmed and unfazed, back to his favorite spot in front of the TV.  Jasmine, however, became emotionally scarred by her husband’s words and has chosen to decline the request for a follow up interview.