THIS IS NOT NEWS!

This piece is purely satirical, and is not intended to contain any accurate information.

The Gustang, a local sports bar, is known for its aggressive customers. On Monday night, a fight broke out in the bar when the Connecticut Camels lost to the Idaho Golden Potatoes.

Jared Avery, 42, was tragically killed with a glass bottle to the head by an unidentified Camels fan. The police are desperately interviewing as many people from the bar as possible. However, the chaos of the at least 150 people all fighting each other made it difficult for witnesses to make out the face of the murderer.

“This is an unspeakable loss,” said Amy Avery, the victim’s wife. “I had to explain to the kids last night that daddy was gone, and he wasn’t coming back.” 

We, of course, tried to find the positive saying, “Well at least your team won, right?” 

The Averys did not appreciate this.

Upon interviewing Dan Reardon, a Camels fan, we learned that they apparently feel no remorse. “I mean his team won and we’re in a bar so like, what’s wrong with that? I mean, people die all the time.”

We hate to say it, but it’s frankly a little true. I mean he was 42, he was getting close anyway.

The bar claims they do not associate with the crime, despite witnesses saying the bartender and servers joined in the fight. The Gustang “does not endorse criminal or dangerous activities on our property. Do it somewhere else.”

Our hearts go out to the family of Avery and all Camels fans. It was truly a tragic day. If you know one of the Averys, please give them a hug, and give them some words of encouragement.