County Designates “Omnipotent White Man” as New Government Office


This article is a work of satire. Any relation to real people or places is purely coincidence.

Last Sunday, Lamb County held an election for a new government office. Christopher Erickson was chosen to be the county’s new “Omnipotent White Man”.

The new office’s role will be to explain any given topic in as condescending a way as possible, even if they know nothing about the topic. The goal is to contain an issue known as “mansplaining”. The Lamb County mayor, Jared White, hopes that this means others won’t feel the need to explain such issues

“Simply put, if these guys know that someone else has said the same thing already, they’re probably not going to try to explain,” stated Mayor White. “I just hope this works. Jared was scaring people away before, but maybe now people will just know how to avoid him.”

This decision, however, has created outrage in the area… and not quite how you might think. Men throughout the county are infuriated that the government thinks they can take away their right to mansplain.

“They think they can silence us,” growled John Moore. “It is my First Amendment right to take facts I heard on Facebook, inflate them with heavy opinion, and basically lie!”

Jared White responded to negative comments, explaining that the office is not to take away such privileges, but simply to contain them to one area.

“Many have complained about First Amendment rights, silencing, and having to be P.C,. but I assure you that anyone who enters my office may mansplain freely.” He continued, “Not only that, but, while it is not encouraged, you are still free to mansplain wherever. The county’s goal is simply to create a safe space for such activities.”

This seems to have calmed the storm.  At least temporarily. Concerns with the office are still high, however. Many think that this office won’t centralize the issue, but rather stir up even more mansplaining.

“My husband has been trying to explain the office to me,” said Bethany Stevenson. “I understand what it does, and I’ve tried to tell him that, but he just won’t stop. He thinks he knows everything and it makes me want to scream sometimes.”

Furthermore, Wanda Stokes complained, saying “Every time Mr. White comes on TV, my husband will constantly try to one up him. [White] Says this, my husband says ‘Actually,…’ I can’t stand it! It’s only made him worse!”

The office of Omnipotent White Man has already proven to be incredibly controversial. Many predict that the office will be dissolved in under a year due to its overall uselessness and hatred from all sides. In the meantime, however, the office will likely remain incredibly active. Mr. Jared White is incredibly experienced in running his mouth and will likely do an excellent job in the new office.

As our democracy evolves, new positions within the democracy must be created. In order to have a functioning democracy, we must do as the people say, and if the people want an absolutely, utterly useless office, then that is what the people must have.