Back from a summer hiatus, The Spartan Scoop would like to report -and reassure- that the world is still on fire. Oh, the reporters are just receiving word of a new development– ah, apparently the world isn’t on fire, it just looks like it, smells like it, and feels like it! What a pleasant turn of events!
While school newspapers were taking a much needed sabbatical across the country, the rest of the world, and its news, did not. Wars, natural disasters, man-made disasters…they all incite a similar question in citizens everywhere: if we didn’t start the fire, then who did? Inquiring minds would like to know, and if such information was revealed, the Scoop would personally take it upon ourselves to sponsor the hush money to cover it back up.
When the smell of burning toast starts to fade into the background, citizens turn to a different method of inciting overthinking and ignorance: the Internet! Home to millions of false truths and comforting lies, the Internet has been the peoples’ shroud since the dawn of time (which most people believe to be the creation of the iPhone). Of the many dark and twisted facets of the Internet, the Meta-owned app Instagram (the ‘Gram, as the kids like to call it these days) is one of the darkest and twistiest.
Instagram is a hot bed of carefully curated misinformation designed to fit a user’s specific levels of political involvement. Often, there is little overlay between those who only get AI videos of kittens, and those who get videos of hardcore protests. As much of a warzone as Instagram is, it does have its perks (specifically, an affinity for spreading content that makes people feel as though they are an expert on a topic when they are… not).
Of course, no one has the time to read an article anymore, so easily digestible tidbits of information – whether they’ve been sufficiently researched or not- is the best mode of education. Because of that, The Spartan Scoop staff have elected to release this informational speedrun of everything the average Instagrammer may have neglected to mention in their daily rant.
(DISCLAIMER: As no one can control The Spartan Scoop, and no one can curate public information or make everything easily digestable, there may be something in here that you might not be ready to hear yet. Continue at your own risk!)
BEN AND JERRY’S ICE CREAM BECOMES BEN’S NON-POLITICAL ICE CREAM- Due to disagreements concerning the level of activism one carton of ice cream should exhibit, Jerry of this beloved ice cream brand has left the company. Back to our regularly scheduled centrist scoops.
EVERY CELEBRITY YOUR PARENTS LOVED IS DEAD- Among these angels of Hollywood are: Some Guy Who Won an Oscar Once, That One Lady in That ‘60s Sitcom, The Loan Shark in That Mob Show, Those Guys Who Worked on Harry Potter a Couple Times, The Guy Who Got Set on Fire in That One Music Video, The Really Freaky Looking Dude Who Sang in Dad’s Favorite Rock Band, and lastly, You Know, the Background Guy in Every Show Ever. They will be forever missed in our hearts and on our phone screens.
ANOTHER RANDOM GUY BECOMES AMERICA’S NEW FAVORITE WHITE BOY- Recent social media sensation Sombr has caught the eyes of women across the country. This bedroom-pop singer has become TikTok’s new favorite heartthrob, despite the fact that he appears to be the exact same lanky man with dark hair that has captivated the screens for decades. Are they all twins or something? I’ve never seen them all in the same room…
MORE “AWARD SHOWS” FOR “AWARDS” TO BE GIVEN OUT TO “IMPRESSIVE PEOPLE” OR WHATEVER THEY’RE FOR- The 2025 Met Gala has come and gone, along with the 2025 Emmy Awards. We can’t remember, is that the movie one, or the music one?
COUNTRY LEADERS ARE STILL FIGHTING FOR COVETED TITLE OF “WORST WAR CRIMES SINCE THE HOLOCAUST, CIRCA 2025”- Guys, guys: you’re both powerful and strong! We can stop fighting! We can all be the most vicious military country in the world!
THE NEW YORK TIMES REPORTS THE CRIMES OF THE NEW YORK TIMES- Earlier this week (along with the news of NBC’s withdrawal of The Jimmy Kimmel Show Live!), The New York Times reported the defamation lawsuit President Trump filed against articles written by The New York Times. It’s a little bit like defamation-inception…defanception. Welcome to the Defanception of Free Speech, people!
TINY HOMES ARE BACK, AND BIGGER THAN EVER! (NOT REALLY)- Apparently, “tiny homes”- a fancy term for bourgeois-funded houses that are small, for some reason – are still in season. Or fashion? Who knows. The point is, people are still talking about them like they’re a worthwhile investment. Why would anyone want to spend more money for a smaller house? Cuteness aggression?
Just as quick as we promised, the average citizen is now up to date on the current goings-on of modern society! Please remember to leave a like and a comment if you enjoyed our content, and hit that subscribe button if you would like to experience more absolute treasure-troves of information like this one!
