Earlier this week, current president Drump challenged founding president George Washington to a boxing match for the presidency of America.
Plans were made immediately to resurrect Washington using methods similar to those found in the Jurassic Park franchise. The best “scientists” available to the president were recruited and successfully resurrected the founding father. Several trusted sources reported a general sense of discombobulation from Washington upon reanimation. They were astounded by his overall good health, considering his prolonged decay.
These sources also reported his first sentence in over 200 years that, when translated into modern day terms, came out to be something along the lines of, “Hey chat, welcome back to another day in the Revolution!”
Washington, after agreeing to duel with Drump, was moved to the White House with an entourage of doctors and scientists in tow. To allow him time for rest and recuperation, the match was scheduled for a few days later for Tuesday, the president’s favorite day of the week.
Even in their excitement, many citizens were curious as to why the president saw it best to challenge his predecessor to a fight. Even before an official statement was released, several theories arose.
John Smarts, also known as @ermsmartypants, wrote to social media: “i tink he prolly wsa threatnd tbh”.
This seemed to be the consensus, although Marl Shot took to her blog to state, “Who are we to question our president? We can always have faith that he will do whatever is best for our country, without fail!”
Smarts reblogged the post, stating a simple “nuh uh”, which gained no response.
As the day of the match – coined “America v. America”, or “OG America v. New America” – grew closer and closer, the country’s collective excitement grew substantially. Posters appeared in storefronts, profile pictures changed, advertisements all but dominated streaming services, conversations eventually turned to any of the rumors that circulated, including those speculating upon Drump’s exercise routine.
Apparently, Drump hired many personal trainers, including former WWE star John Cena, to aid him in developing optimal technique and strength to best defeat Washington.
The former founding father had, on the other hand, been spending most of his time leading up to the match under the investigation of scientists and curious college students. When he wasn’t being observed and tested on, Washington was often spotted taking walks through the parks of D.C., doing his best to take everything in.
In an interview, he stated that he found “walking around the city incredibly overwhelming”. Washington also said that he is “often struck with visceral disgust, upon seeing what D.C. has become”. What an interesting view of the modern world!
When asked about his fashion choices for the match, he found significantly more to talk about.
“What do you people wear again? Ah, maybe I shall wear this…Lululemon? It seems to be much the fashion nowadays. I have always been rather adept at following fashion. See?” Washington then pulled aside his gums to show his polished, notably not wooden dentures. “I have also elected to try this new thing called a toupee. Have you heard of it? Much more comfortable than a powdered wig.”
Although Washington has been very transparent about his fashion choices, he kept his boxing strategy very tight lipped.
“As the saying goes, a magician must never tell his secrets. And, truly, I’d rather not talk at all, as it would not be the truth.” Very honorable!
Finally, as the match grew closer to streaming on the partnered service Bagpix, both the presidents and the crowd of American boxing fans were thrumming with anxious anticipation.
Bets reached previously unknown levels, with previously unknown levels of bankruptcy also becoming prevalent. According to the records as of the few matches before America v. America, the biggest pot neared $20,000! Now, what anyone would do with that kind of money is nearly unimaginable. Maybe buy a whole week’s groceries!
Before the main show, a few matches were already scheduled, including seasoned professional Micheal Tymom v. social media guy Blogan Laul. Of course, no one is truly paying attention to those.
The event itself was being held in D.C., in Generic Large Tree Stadium, in honor of Drump’s favorite shrub. The whole stadium is bursting with ecstatic viewers, and the Bagpix website crashed for several minutes at the start of the America v. America match due to the sheer amount of at home viewers who logged on at the same time.
To announce his grand entrance, the lights went down in the entire stadium – despite potential safety concerns – and a spotlight lit Drump as he appeared astride a large horse, both dressed in matching gold shorts. He was flanked by Secret Service members wearing gold tracksuits, each waving a couple very large American flags in hand, as well as several bikini-wearing women slowly driving the White House cars which were filled with money behind him.
The crowd applauded wildly as soon as the spotlight came on in a deafening wave of patriotism. This display was very effective in showing everyone that Drump is, in fact, the president of the United States, and that he has a lot of money for matching gold outfits. Washington’s entrance was significantly more downplayed, as he had less money upon his resurrection.
After Drump had made his way down the aisle toward the ring, Washington appeared in a simple pair of star-spangled shorts and a red robe. He walked the aisle with nothing but his gloves in hand to the sound of scattered cheers from his supporters. However, what stood out about his entrance, even devoid as it was of beautiful women in bikinis, was his startling abs. They were significantly more defined than those of Drump’s.
After the match, Drump stated that he did feel a bit threatened by those abs upon first glance, but he was “confident that he could take” the founding father.
A full rundown of the match will be released later, but it was a tough fight. Eventually, after much suspense and many flying toupees, Washington proved himself victorious with a final, harsh blow.
For a moment, the entire stadium was silent. Then, the crowd erupted in cheers and applause. America has, at last, defeated America!
