The Spartan Scoop has gotten multiple requests from a few of its many, many fans for a guide to the uniquely temperamental Montana weather. Finally, the time has arrived!
Here is the long awaited (very true) guide to surviving the treacherous months of November through March in Montana, complete with absolutely factual fashion tips, as well as instructional guidance on how to blend in with the rugged cowboy skiers so one can submerge themself into their culture.
Step 1: You Are What Eats You
Bears hibernate in the winter, right? Wrong. That’s what Big Bear wants everyone to think. Bear “hibernation” is only propaganda meant to lower the fear of any sledder or skier that may bravely wander into the woods. Here’s a little known fact that bears like Monty don’t go around saying: the first step to lowering the likelihood of a bear attack is to recognize that they ALWAYS want to kill you, no matter how soft they might look.
Another animal very familiar to Montanans is the common deer. As the years go by, the deer seen in neighborhoods and parks are only biding their time. These sneaky devils sit unnoticed right under the nose of the general populace; they seem all innocent, until they let the facade drop.
Deer waiting at crosswalks to cross the road, deer looking both ways, deer crossing all at once as soon as there’s no car in sight; they never used to do this. In fact, deer have always been stereotyped as the skittish animals that freeze in the face of danger. Was this all just a ploy? Did they want to be known like this, the kamikaze coward fed from the palm of one’s next door neighbor? What malicious intent do these deer harbor for the human race? In the winter, one might not be able to stop in time to avoid hitting one of these conniving, suicidal, little overgrown rodents. To avoid this, keep an eye on the weather conditions and learn to drive without slipping on the icy road like a flopping fish.
Step 2: Learn to Drive, Idiot
The number one cause of crashes all over the nation is Driving a Car Badly. This phenomenon is caused when an ordinarily safe driver is suddenly overcome with a feeling of confidence, also known as Hyu(ndai)-bris, and thinks that they are suddenly the best driver to ever grace the road.
This, of course, is obviously not true – but they don’t know that. Because of this delusion, they may see it fit to take risks and make stupid mistakes that leave them sinking in an icy ditch somewhere.
As this is a problem regardless of the weather, it is especially dangerous when the roads are covered in some sick mixture of black ice, mucky slush, and powdery snow. The best way to avoid suffering from Driving a Car Badly is to recognize that nobody is good at driving.
Cars are death machines, thought to be domesticated; they are tigers fooled into living as house cats. Never forget that 99.9999% of crashes are not fun for anyone involved. Get into every car with a healthy dose of fear and apprehension, and never think that you are fully in control. The Transformers movies were an omen.
Step 3: Sweater? I Hardly Know ‘Er (It Gets Funnier Every Time)
Don’t fall into the bright colors and alluring protection of snow gear. In a moment of stark honesty, a statement needs to be made to any reader of this article: winter clothes are ugly. Vintage snow suit? Ugly. Hats with the unnervingly large pom poms? Off-putting. Wool mittens Grandma knitted? Stinky. Big puffer jacket that’s strangely reminiscent of the Marshmallow Man? Unflattering.
Rule number one of dressing well in Montana: hot girls don’t get cold.
Who cares if there are colorful beanies and Patagonia coats around literally every corner in Montana? Those people obviously aren’t hot girls.
Everyone knows that they look stupid in the winter, it’s an unavoidable fact. The choice is either look stupid and be warm, or look stupid trying not to look stupid and be broke. Or, look good and be freezing all lesser appendages off.
Now, as for the aforementioned cowboy skiers – the rival clan of hippie skiers may be more wise to familiarize with. At least in the more laid-back cities like Helena and Missoula, hippies skiers are definitely more abundant.
Hippie skiers are easier to make friends with; they’re generally more welcoming, and probably too unbothered to recognize anyone as an outsider. They will enjoy a good conversation just like the cowboy skiers will.
Though both groups do have their perks, one will have to pretend to actually like skiing to blend in, which could be hard for someone who only goes skiing to blend in with other Montanans. Surrounding oneself with other shallow posers would be most wise, as out-of-staters thrive best when surrounded by like-minded people.
Step 4: Suck It Up, Buttercup
The average Montanan does not remember the last time they had a snow day, regardless of age. Children who have grown up in Montana their whole lives have only heard rumors of snow days. If the weather is below negative, they just have recess inside. If the snow on the ground grows by three feet overnight, the buses just run a little late. Hardened residents of Montana laugh at the idea of shivering.
People moving in from out of state are generally surprised and a little scared of this fact. But, get used to it. If the sensation of fingers and toes losing all feeling is ignored for long enough, it’s quite easy to just forget they’re there!
Most importantly, when referencing the weather, complain about it. Complain a lot. Complaining helps dull the pain, and allows peers and coworkers to wallow in collective misery instead of their own. It’s good for workplace morale.
Understanding the ins and outs of the ever changing Montana climate is imperative to success in blending in with the populace. All outsiders are criticized, so remember to use this common saying about Montana weather in unwilling small talk: “The weather’s bad now, but it’s Montana. It’ll change in five minutes!”
