Early this semester, a new class appeared on the 2024-2025 Sentinel High School electives list; JAVELIN: Survival and thrival in the Zombie Apocalypse. No interviewees reported an explanation for exactly why the class is called JAVELIN, but the goal is still well understood. A school has finally pulled together to teach students to protect themselves and others in the face of undead doom.
This class, taught by former English teacher Ms. Kelje, shows the dangers of a potential zombie outbreak, how to recognize the signs, and how to continue prospering in a desolate land.
“I’ve always loved horror movies,” Kelje explains, “and I’ve always been one of those people who yell at the screen when characters make stupid decisions. Like, why would you run into the abandoned graveyard?! Don’t you know you’re in a horror movie?!”
Kelje figures that the best way to prevent these terrible choices in the face of horror movie scenarios is to educate the youth against them.
“If they can recognize a [not smart] decision, then they can ignore it and do the exact opposite!”
The course curriculum is chock-full of educational films such as Night of the Living Dead, Shaun of the Dead, and The Last of Us video game playthroughs, as well as historically relevant films like Halloween, Scream, and Nightmare on Elm Street. Kelje teaches her students best by examining and analyzing the mistakes of the protagonists of said films.
Kelje states, “Yeah, sure I’d rather have a writing or a journalism class, or really any other creative class…but this is pretty important, too, you know? Who knows, with the year we’ve had, the apocalypse could be right around the corner…”
While film analysis is a large part of the period, lessons in self-defense and maintaining a successful commune of survivors take up a lot of instructional time as well. These activities tend to brighten the days of involved students.
Miguel Mahers agreed to an interview directly after a lesson in the creation and usage of the common nail bat.
“I think this elective is really needed. I mean, I’d never even seen a horror movie before this! How would I have known how to recognize the splatter of fake blood versus the splash of real blood?” He gives his new bat an experimental swing, accidentally mauling a passing student. Mahers shrugs, “We’ve got to practice somehow. He was probably a zombie, anyways. I just saved his family a pretty hefty hospital bill.”
After salvaging weapons and food, students are taught the real-world issues and applications of commune building. They learn a few simple trades, how to assign roles based on skill level, and how to properly assassinate unfit leaders. After a period of analysis of Lord of the Flies and Animal Farm, along with a three-week expedition in the woods, students are usually fit to run their own mini civilizations of survivors.
“Honestly,” comments the principal of Sentinel High School, Mrs. Tens, “I would trust these kids to do a lot more than just run the government. They’re learning the true facts of life, the gritty consequences of living through a tragedy…and it’s way cheaper, these guys pretty much find whatever they need over by the dumpsters.”
Overall, this new opportunity for apocalypse awareness has received only positive reviews. Parents are delighted by the powerful changes they notice in their kids.
Janie Vee Sturtis, an alumnus of SHS and mother of several legacy children, finds only better versions of her previous kids. “They talk less and less each day, but they’re so very attentive like they’re paying attention to my every move. I feel seen, you know? They’re so still, too, although there is a slight amount of twitching now and then…and they do seem a bit paler than usual…little Jim has been craving meat an awful lot lately…oh well, they probably just caught something from school. I’ll get my essential oils.”
Sturtis wasn’t seen again after this interview, but shortly before her disappearance she donated several hundred dollars to the JAVELIN effort. The elective seems to be parent approved, and kid-enjoyed!
The JAVELIN committee of SHS hopes to expand their cause to other schools in need. Zed Z. M’Bie, president of the local JAVELIN committee, shares his opinions on the necessity of apocalypse detection and awareness in schools, “Spreading awareness is the first step in protection. With more schools educating their students on surviving the apocalypse, more students will be susceptible to eating- I mean beating the zombies back for good!”
Amongst these solely positive opinions of the new elective, there has been one minor question raised by one of Sentinel’s own. Zombie expert and horror movie connoisseur Molly Warden asks, “Has it occurred to any of you idiots that zombies aren’t even real?”
This question stumped just about everyone who heard it.
“Well, this is a valid concern,” responds M’Bie, “but I would like to say that it’s important to be well prepared and cooked- I mean cautious in the face of whatever might happen-”
“But we haven’t even learned anything about preventing the zombie apocalypse, it’s all just about surviving it. How do we STOP it??”
M’Bie appears to be lost by this line of questioning. Warden glares annoyedly in the way only a teenager can. The interview is decidedly ended here.
JAVELIN: Survival and Thrival in the Zombie Apocalypse is already gaining traction in schools around the country, with over twenty schools adopting the new curriculum as of today. The number of students participating in this class skyrockets every day, along with the adolescent mortality rates in nearby areas.
“It’s good for business!”, say overjoyed coroners and their mortuary assistants nationwide. “If only we could keep track of the bodies…”
With the new semester on the horizon, over half of the students at Sentinel High School have requested to be admitted to this elective over the new year. Zombies, beware!
