In a bold move that has left students and teachers scratching their heads, Sentinel High School in Missoula, Montana, has introduced a graveyard onto campus. Yes, you heard that right—a graveyard! Because what better way to prepare for the future than by having a permanent reminder of it right outside the classroom?
The Great Graveyard Debate
Constructed atop an old parking lot—because who needs a space for cars when you can have a resting place for the dearly departed?—the graveyard has sparked heated discussions among the school community. Principal Thennis has labeled it one of the school’s biggest issues, and community members are following suit.
In a horrific turn of events, a young child named Paper Bag has become the face of tragedy. After being left to decompose on campus, following a rather unfortunate brownie incident, his family is now suing the school for emotional damages. Authorities on the case have discovered evidence that the perpetrator’s name was Emma due to the stamp on the bag’s body but no further evidence has been unearthed.
Unfortunately, they have interviewed 12 Emma’s, all of which had “nothing to do with the crime” and would like to go get an iced coffee instead of “talking to a loser” which sheds an unhopeful light on the case.
“My son was just trying to help!” exclaimed his father, Fry Bag, who is now unavailable for comment after being squashed in a freak accident while investigating the case. Mr. Bag has been reported to be making a speedy recovery but may not be released until after the funeral.
The poor Bag family just can’t seem to get a break with such wrathful students on the loose.
Community Outrage
The local community is up in arms. The Bag family, already grieving, is now preparing for a courtroom showdown led by their cousin, Mr. Bottle, an infamous trash activist who survived a vehicle attack thanks to his high microplastic content. If there’s anyone who knows how to navigate a dumpster fire of a situation, it’s him.
Mr. Bottle has prepared a full list of demands, as well as evidence of the crimes committed in the new graveyard.
In a recent interview, he made an angry interjection, declaring, “if we don’t get compensated, we’re claiming this land for ourselves!” This may seem controversial but he retaliated to protests by saying, “Who needs a parking lot when you can have a Bag family theme park?” The idea of a revolution may sound ambitious, but it has students worried that they may lose access to the area.
Student Opinions: A Mixed Bag
Among students, opinions are split. Felicia, a passionate opponent of the graveyard commented, “Walking through here is so disgusting. I mean, seriously. Walking past bodies on the way to class? What’s next, a field trip to a landfill?” She has suggested that the student body may just have more work cut out for them than they assumed, as all they found when looking for cleaning supplies were the skeletons locked in the closets.
On the other hand, George, the self-appointed graveyard curator and resident football star, shrugged off concerns. “It’s just a few bodies. We’ve all seen worse in the locker room. Plus, have you met my dad, you can’t expect me to clean it up!” According to reporters, directly after his interview, he (accidentally) dropped his monster can on his way to practice and forgot to pick it up.
Fred, the self-proclaimed “turtle enthusiast,” and super-nerd chimed in, “Why can’t we just use existing cemeteries? Maybe if we clean up this superfund site we will avoid cancer. You know in California they say that….” Fred was abruptly cut off by the on-site reporter.
A Grave Situation
Upon seeing these reports and scheduling the upcoming trial, authorities are growing tired at the number of murder cases they are now investigating. It seems they would much rather be in the presence of a dozen donuts than their deceased box.
The overwhelming consensus among community members? While there may be some practical places for a cemetery, most agree that high school isn’t one of them.
As the debate rages on, one thing is for sure: Sentinel High School has found a unique way to combine education with existential dread. Perhaps next, they’ll add a haunted house to the curriculum.
