With Election Day looming just around the corner, a grand consensus has been reached by most eligible voters in America; Shay D. Mann᠆᠆a previously unknown politician now being written into ballots across the country᠆᠆is the decidedly best presidential candidate.
Mock-elections and polls on websites throughout the internet are casting a glimpse into the future, and as it appears, the future is turning up Shay.
Mann, reportedly new to the whole political scene, has been easing voting anxiety since his appearance on live television to announce his candidacy.
“It was just so reassuring, being able to look into a politician’s face like that,” states Doll Parker, an avid voter and single mom who works two jobs, as she loves her kids and never stops, “I looked at him on that screen and I knew how trustworthy he was without even hearing a word [he] [spoke]!”
“I thought to myself, What a guy! How brave of him, to stand up like that in front of the nation! I’d certainly [trust] him with my kids, no questions asked!”
Parker, among many other supporters of Mann, knew nothing about him until that fateful news broadcast.
Bud Wiseman, freshly voting age, recalls the broadcast, “I was just watching a YouTube video, trying to avoid the elections, actually, when I accidentally sat on the remote and the news popped on!”
“There was a dude standing on a podium in the middle of the screen, and I was all like, Oh, great, another one of those “some guy” dudes, trying to get me to, like, buy a car or something, but then the lighting got all different and the wall, like, moved forward, and then Shay Mann was there! And then I was like, Dude. I’d totally buy a car right now.”
Though relieved by Mann’s lack of car-selling motives, many citizens tuned into this news cast with interest. This new candidate, appearing as though from the shadows, enticed the nation with his words.
“His speech was very well written. He talked about the economy, and the…rights of people, and stuff. Very [eloquent], very mindful,” described Dr. H. O. Gwash, professor of Important Words at Right Wright University of Writing. Dr. Gwash was asked to analyze Mann’s first address to the public as an official candidate. He gave a professional outlook from an analytical standpoint, which was much needed for the public to view Mann from every possible angle.
“This ‘Mr. Mann’ character could be very beneficial to America, as I have deduced from his initial speech. He speaks on important issues, stuff that’s important to America, but never says important American [stuff] that he might regret later. Rather, he talks very little indeed. A perfect candidate.”
Along with such data-based analytics, some of X’s (formally known as Twitter) most renowned online stalkers and analysts have been tasked with conducting thorough research into Mann’s background and life prior to announcing his candidacy. Benjamin Marshall, professionally known as @princess_buttercupskne3cap, is the lead of this investigation.
As of very recently, the reports have been “lame”, and “lacking any MadLad aura”, which has since been translated into a lack of scandal for Mann. A clean record is very uncommon in the case of any politician, and this bodes well for Mann’s presidential plans.
“He’s just a righteous dude,” writes an anonymous voter to the federal government in a recently disclosed letter. Upon access to this letter, the public has decided to elect this phrase as Mann’s new slogan. “Mann᠆᠆he’s just a righteous dude.”
Mann has neglected to comment on this recent development. Mann has neglected to comment on anything since his first announcement, but has been spotted strolling about DC on sunny, cloudless days. His supporters seem to oppose his lack of reassurances.
“You know, I only ever heard him that once, but I would very much hope to listen to him one last time,” says Grandma. “I liked his face. It sounded nice.” Grandma loves the elections, as they make her feel alive. “My vote belongs entirely to Mr. Shay D. Mann.”
Most of America’s heart belongs solely to Mann, but there are still technically other candidates in the running. Hamilla Carras and TJ McDonald were the leading choices on all ballots, but were quickly surpassed and forgotten about.
McDonald was invited to an interview with a famous news station about the sudden “usurping of his rightfully earned votes”, and he agreed.
“I’m not going to lie, I am a little upset. But, America, don’t worry, I will save us᠆᠆” the report cut off, because viewership suddenly dropped to nil, and the last person who supported McDonald was unfortunately involved in a rogue UFO accident.
A similar situation occurred with Carras, except she was the one involved in a rogue UFO accident, and neglected to comment.
With the other opponents out of the way, seemingly nothing stands between Mann and his presidency. Except for those other guys, technically.
Overjoyed by this news, Parker returns to comment, “Finally, someone with a normal amount of money who isn’t balding! America, rejoice! He is actually a minority, you know. I do know this, and I really think he’s just so brave because I᠆᠆!”
Unfortunately, Parker has fallen suddenly to a rogue UFO accident. Her kids will continue to support Mann in her honor, passing the torch from generation to generation until they will finally realize that he is, in fact, just some guy doing shadow puppets behind a screen. Well, at least he’s not balding: he is just a righteous dude.
On January 20, Shay D. Mann is elected into the Oval Office (not without a very precarious hand shake) and officially becomes the most revered and beloved president in US history. He neglected to comment on his success, but does offer shows on select sunny afternoons in DC to express his gratitude to the American people.
