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Spartan Scoop

TAYLOR SWIFT FANS CONQUER THE AMC

AMC employees are preparing for the worst as the Eras tour approaches
TAYLOR+SWIFT+FANS+CONQUER+THE+AMC
Karma Patey

…beheading a snake with a bedazzled chiquidea

 

 

Upon hearing the aftermath of the Eras Tour earlier this year, local AMC employees are speaking out about their concerns as the date of its release to theaters approaches. 

  Individual interviews with workers of the theater each showcase the horror stories they have individually collected. Each one concerns fans of the pop star’s that are collectively referred to as spawns of satan, with the star herself being their devil lord.

Employee Carlos Wenet recalls that while in New York he once saw a group of so-called ‘swifties’ chasing a security guard at full speed because they were denied access to Taylor’s hotel. He claims to have seen tears running down the man’s face with his severed arm dangling from one of the girls’ mouths.

Wenet also mentions his sister, a fan herself, who he once walked in on performing what seemed to be some kind of ritual sacrifice. “She had a vinyl on the ground within a pentagram of glitter.” Wenet says. He also reports her, “huddled on the ground, beheading a snake with a bedazzled chiquidea knife mumbling ‘Don’t blame me, love made me crazy.’”

“When she came out of her room a few hours later I asked her what she had been doing. She said [that] devoting herself to the goddess took time and patience.” Wenet estimates it has been almost a full year since that time and he has yet to speak to his sister again. 

Long-time AMC employee Desiree Morris also granted us access to the behind-the-scenes view of what is to happen come October thirteenth. 

They inform us that, for safety reasons, the upper management at AMC has agreed to provide the funds in order to allow their staffers to prepare a safe room. This will be a place all employees will report to should a fan situation get out of hand. “The room will be made of titanium,” Morris informs. 

They also say that in addition to the safe room development all those who will be directly interacting with customers will be equipped with a self defense tool.

Said tools can include but are not limited to: a small hammer, bags of rocks, a machete, pepper spray, and a shotgun. Morris voices their disappointment saying that “I wanted a shotgun but everyone called dibs already.” 

As a final precaution management ensured the theaters will be secured by snipers armed with sedative darts. Despite some employees being wary of this temporary addition to their staff, Morris remains quite pleased with their presence calling them sweet and practically harmless.

Some workers may be willing to stick it out through the impending doom of what has begun to be referred to as the “Swiftapocalypse” while others have quit their job in order to maintain a heartbeat.

This former AMC worker wishes to remain anonymous out of fear, however, they claim to consider it their duty as a member of the resistance to spread the good word. 

This individual claims their worst fear to be that of Taylor Swift fans as they are uncertain of what kinds of dark power they might hold. When asked about the woman herself they promptly burrowed into a hole in the ground they referred to as their ‘safety tunnel.’

Upon questioning why their fear reaches such an extreme level, the interviewee recalled the most frightening experience they claimed to have ever had. 

Two years ago they were working at a separate AMC location. After the release of “Red (Taylor’s Version)” the former employee overheard a conversation whilst on the clock.

A young man dared to voice his opinion to a group of fans that he had no interest in Taylor’s music and in fact quite disliked it. This particular group was so enraged at his remarks that they rushed the man, running him over with shopping carts and then proceeded to remove his fingernails with pliers one had managed to acquire. 

When the authorities arrived they found the man deceased with ‘Now we got Bad Blood’ written in his blood across the mangled carpet of the theater.

Having been horrified by this display, the witness transferred locations and vowed to never involve themself with fans of Taylor again. This vow resulted in their hasty decision to quit upon hearing of the upcoming wave of fans because they claim to be “stronger than those m—–f——”

As a final say in the matter, AMC’s manager, Ralph Derry, provided his opinion on the matter. 

Derry confirmed the thoughts and concerns of his employees saying that ever since he received word that the theater would be hosting a retelling of Taylor’s tour, he has been having meetings with his therapist almost daily. 

He also claims that the stress of the entire situation has caused his hair to gray even though he is only twenty-seven years old. He says it has become so intense that he, for fear of his life, has completed his will and left everything to his cat.

Derry has also been preparing a second life for some time as a last resort should things get out of hand. He has a false name, face, and home for himself on the opposite side of the world with a ticket pre-purchased in case he should need to rush.

His opinion stands that being ahead of what might happen is the key to staying alive. Especially when your life’s at stake. 

As the day of the concert showing approaches the whole of the AMC staff has been progressively on edge. The anxiety of the place has been gunking up the surrounding area and the local Swifties have already begun preparing their knives and screaming voices for the day itself.

The actions of Taylor’s fans have been getting progressively more dangerous both towards the singer herself and towards workers involved with her. These actions involve stealing hair and trash as well as pestering workers to the point they had to resign for their safety. 

The theater is preparing themselves for the battle they are surely going to be required to engage. Ready with their weapons and attitude the AMC is ready to fight.

Fight the power, the lord, the god. They will fight Taylor.

 

 

 

About the Contributors
Caitlyn Busig, Reporter
Karma Patey, Illustrator
the dude who draws the things who isn't the other one