THIS IS NOT NEWS!

This piece is purely satirical, and is not intended to contain any accurate information.

A giant crater has been created dead in the middle of North Dakota this Wednesday after President Aiden Jones snuck into the pentagon with nuclear launch codes written on a napkin. He was seen about 10 minutes later giggling like a child at the breaking news feed. When consulted, he refused to elaborate until offered 10 dollars to tell us what he did.
“I nuked North Dakota,” He giggled “How funny is that dude, freakin’ North Dakota!” This was then followed by a fit of rage from his Vice President. “You did this? You realize you could be impeached right?”

At this point, I’m standing off to the side, terrified for my well being, but I stayed because my boss told me if I didn’t cover this I would be fired. I missed what was said in between, but the argument slowly devolved into senseless yelling. “It was just a prank bro! I thought it’d be funny! Its not like anyone lives there anyway!” The president said. “First of all, yes, people live in North Dakota,” the vice president responded calmly, “Second of all, you launched a domestic nuclear missile attack! You know what? I’ve had enough of your crap! I’m stepping down as vice president! I didn’t even want to take office in the first place, I was told it was just jury duty and all of a sudden I’m handed a speech and saying I’m running as your vice president?

This has been the worst two years of my life.” After this, the former vice president refused to speak and asked to not be named in this article because “[he] just wants everything to go back to normal.”

As of the publication of this article, the President is still screaming at the silent former vice president. Please someone come help me I’m stuck here until he stops talking or, as I said earlier, I will be fired. I am terrified for my life but I can’t lose my job or else my wife and kids won’t have food on the table. Oh he finally passed out thank god.

Thanks for reading I guess? In conclusion, we desperately need to rework the nuclear launch system. I mean, people died today. So call your senators today and ask for a rework of the country’s nuclear launch system.